After practically three years of working with couples decimated by extramarital relations, I can inform you that guys who cheat on a beloved wife or sweetheart can be astonishingly creative when they aim to discuss why. Often cheating guys tell me, and the ladies they like, that their behavior does not actually count as cheating, since it didn’t involve real sex. Other times, they find methods to blame others for their choices– their spouse, their manager, even the other woman.
[Yes, I understand that women likewise cheat. I have actually written about that various times, including here. However, this short article, based upon my new book Out of the Dog house: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Guys Caught Cheating, is about cheating males.]
As a therapist, I discover the majority of the reasons that unfaithful males use to justify their extramarital relations remarkable– since almost all of these factors imply that cheating was the only logical service to their relationship issues and other life issues. I often find myself thinking, “Sure, cheating is an alternative, however only one among lots of. How about taking up a pastime, or offering to make the world a better place, or actually talking to your loved one about exactly what you’re feeling and how the two of you might be able to craft a more satisfying relationship? Wouldn’t any of those choices be much better that lying, manipulating, and keeping essential secrets from a lady you truly care about?”
However most guys don’t have that type of insight. So when confronted, they reduce, justify, and justify their habits with declarations like:
Every person wishes to make love with other women. When the chance arises, he takes it.
It’s a man’s biological crucial to make love with as lots of ladies as he can. Why should I be any various?
If I got enough (or better) sex at home, I wouldn’t need to cheat.
I’m refraining from doing anything that the majority of my buddies do not do. If you don’t believe me, ask them.
If my partner had not acquired a lot weight– or if she was better to me, or more mindful– I would not have actually even considered going somewhere else.
If my job wasn’t so difficult, I wouldn’t need the release I obtain from online sex.
Unfaithful? Actually? I indicate, who would logically call getting a lap dance in a strip club extramarital relations? It’s just exactly what men do for fun.
My father looked at magazines and went to strip clubs, which wasn’t a big deal. Well, I have cam chats and interactive sex. What’s the difference?
If the authorities had actually been out chasing actual bad guys, I would not have actually gotten captured in that prostitution sting. Why don’t they go after some genuine lawbreakers?
I’m only sexting and flirting. Where’s the damage because? I don’t meet up with any of these women personally. It’s just a video game.
In the treatment service, we have a name for this type of reasoning: Rejection. From a psychotherapy viewpoint, rejection is a series of internal lies and deceits individuals tell themselves to make their questionable habits seem OK (at least in their own mind). Generally, each self-deception is supported by one or more justifications, with every one bolstered by still more fallacies. In the eyes of an unbiased observer, such as a therapist, an unfaithful man’s rejection typically looks about as solid as a home of cards in a stiff breeze, yet these guys will doggedly insist their reasoning is sound.
This, obviously, begs the question: Why? Why do men truly cheat? And why do they in some cases continue cheating after they’re caught, even in the face of exceptionally unwanted effects like divorce, loss of parental contact, loss of social standing, and the like?
The fact is that all sorts of dynamics can play into a man’s decision to take part in infidelity. Usually, though, his choice to cheat is driven by one or more of the list below factors:
Immaturity: If he does not have a lot of experience in dedicated relationships, or if he doesn’t totally comprehend that his actions will inevitably have effects like harming his partner, he might think it is great to have sexual experiences. He might consider his dedication to monogamy as a coat that he can put on or take off as he pleases, depending upon the situations.
Co-occurring Issues: He may have a continuous issue with alcohol and/or drugs (link is external) that impacts his decision-making, leading to regrettable sexual decisions. Or perhaps he has a problem like sexual dependency (link is external), implying he compulsively engages in sexual fantasies and behaviors as a way to numb out and avoid life.
Insecurity: He might feel as if he is too old (or too young), not good-looking enough, not rich enough, not clever enough, etc. (An impressive quantity of male cheating is linked, at least in part, to a mid-life crisis.) To strengthen his flagging ego, he looks for validation from women aside from his mate, utilizing this sextracurricular spark of interest to feel wanted, desired, and worthwhile.
It’s Over, Version 1: He may want to end his present relationship. However, instead of just informing his partner that he’s dissatisfied and wishes to break things off, he cheats– then requires her to do the grunt work.
It’s Over, Variation 2: He might wish to end his existing relationship, but not till he’s got another one lined up. So he sets the stage for his next relationship while still in the very first one.
Lack of Male Social Assistance: He might have undervalued his requirement for encouraging friendships with other men, anticipating his social and emotional needs to be fulfilled totally by his loved one. When she inevitably fails in that responsibility, he seeks fulfillment elsewhere.
Confusion about Limerence versus Commitment: He may misconstrue the distinction in between romantic strength and long-lasting love, misinterpreting the neurochemical rush of early romance, technically described as limerence, for love, and failing to understand that in healthy, long-term relationships limerence is replaced over time with less intense, but eventually more meaningful kinds of connection.
Childhood Abuse: He may be reenacting or latently responding to unsettled youth injury– disregard, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault, and so on. In such cases, his childhood wounds have actually developed attachment/intimacy concerns that leave him unable or unwilling to completely commit to a single person. He might also be utilizing the excitement and diversion of sexual adultery as a method to self-soothe the pain of these old, unhealed wounds.
Selfishness: It’s possible that his main consideration is for himself and himself alone. He can for that reason lie and keep secrets without remorse or regret, as long as it gets him exactly what he wants. It’s possible he never planned to be monogamous. Rather than seeing his vow of monogamy as a sacrifice made to and for his relationship, he sees it as something to be prevented and worked around.
Terminal Uniqueness: He might seem like he is various and deserves something special that other guys might not. The normal guidelines simply do not apply to him, so he is free to reward himself outside his primary relationship whenever he wants.
Unconfined Impulse: He might never ever have actually even considered cheating till an opportunity all of a sudden presented itself. Then, without even thinking about exactly what cheating might do his relationship, he went for it.
Unrealistic Expectations: He might feel that his partner should fulfill his every whim and desire, sexual and otherwise, 24/7, regardless of how she feels at any particular moment. He fails to comprehend that she has a life of her own, with ideas and feelings and needs that do not constantly include him. When his expectations are not satisfied, he seeks external fulfillment.
Anger/Revenge: He may cheat to obtain vengeance. He is angry with his mate, and wishes to hurt her. In such cases, the cheating is implied to be seen and known. The man does not bother to lie or conceal about his unfaithful, since he desires his partner to know about it.
For a lot of males, no single aspect drives the choice to cheat. And often a male’s reasons for adultery develop as his life situations change. Regardless of his true factors for unfaithful, he didn’t have to do it. There are always other alternatives– couple’s therapy, golf, being open and sincere with a mate and working to enhance the relationship, or separation or divorce. A guy always has choices that do not involve degrading and potentially ruining his stability and the life he and his better half have actually produced. Still, understanding why he cheated can be useful in terms of not repeating the behavior in the future.